In Love with Uncomfortable

Laundry. Bible Study. Emails. Wash bottles. Prep dinner.

I've got so many things to do right now, but my head is swimming. Swimming with thoughts that kept me up this morning during a very hungry 5:30am wake up call.

Since my last post, our home was approved as a foster/adopt family within DHS. Crazy. One week later, my phone rang with tragic news. A precious 2 month old needed a home. My heart was overwhelmed.

Were we ready? 
Was this God's will? 
Do we need to wait a bit longer?

That sweet little soul was placed into my arms, and my life was instantly changed.

In an instant, he radically transformed
...our routine.
...our home.
...our family.
...our hearts.

Last night, as I was getting him ready for bed, my thoughts began to wander. They took me back to the questions I frantically asked myself the night he entered our world, and my heart was convicted.

Were we ready?
No, we weren't. Honestly, I'm not sure we'll ever be ready. But, God was.

For so many years, our family had been living the American dream.

B had a great job.
I was blessed to stay home and teach our children.
We drove decent vehicles.
We lived in a large home.
We took family vacations.
We wore nice clothes.

Our lives were comfortable. Dare I say, uncomplicated.

Then, God began to bring us to the end of ourselves. He wanted us to see the selfishness in our lifestyle, and ultimately, the selfishness in our hearts. When I think back to these years, one thing is missing....

...Jesus.

Sure, we went to church. Sure, we were "saved". Sure, we occasionally donated to charity. Heck, we even tithed regularly at church. But, something was missing, and we didn't have a clue.

Friends, our world changed when we realized where we'd gone wrong.

Jesus isn't concerned with our comfort.
Jesus was never comfortable.
Jesus isn't "in" the comfortable.

You know why?
Because in the "comfortable", you don't need Jesus.

Two weeks ago, a 10 pound piece of His heart was placed into my hands. He chose me and my family to love him. The weight of that will forever grip me. In those moments, I needed Jesus. I needed him. My life had become anything but comfortable. My love for this baby was anything but comfortable.

As I closed the door, and the caseworker's car disappeared into the night, I whispered...

"Lord, draw near. I need you here. I need you to be in every moment. I need you to help me pick the pieces up and put them back together for him. I need you to put the pieces of my heart back together when he leaves my arms. There is no way we can do this without you."

I've never felt the presence of my heavenly Father quite like I have in the past two weeks.

This is hard.
This is complicated.
This is messy.
This is uncomfortable.
But, my heart knows Jesus in ways I never imagined. Ways I didn't know were possible.

So, world, you can keep your comforts. You can keep your "status quo". I'm never going back.

Inaction Truly is Action

"Silence in the face of evil is itself evil.

God will not hold us guiltless.

Not to speak is to speak.

Not to act is to act."

-Bonhoeffer

Our desire was obedience.

Our hearts wanted to serve. To meet a need.

Our human nature quickly put perimeters on that obedience.

We will follow you, Lord. We will abandon our plan, our desires. 

But.

You need to make it look like this.

We'll take a baby in a private adoption. Because a baby will fit nicely into our little family. It's uncomplicated and unmessy. And it will in no way require a testing of our faith. It will in no way require much sacrifice from us. And it will not force us to rely solely on your strength and provision. 

We were well on our way with an almost completed private homestudy, ready for a private domestic adoption. Pursuing what we thought was God's plan for our lives. What we didn't know...there was much work left to do in us.

In April, I registered us to sit through an informational meeting with The CALL of Arkansas. Let me be honest here....I did NOT want to go. My mind had already rationalized a private, domestic adoption. I had already begun planning what this would look like in our lives. I had a plan, and I didn't need God's editing skills.

So, we didn't go. 

So, He turned up the volume. He was so persistent that I registered us a second time for the May meeting. Y'all, I sound ridiculous. Hang with me.

My parents came to watch the littles, and Brad and I set out for Geyer Springs Baptist Church. Of course, we had a good 30 minutes in the car for me to throw another little temper-tantrum. I spent the first 10 minutes staring out the passenger window. Mad. 

I finally broke the silence.

"I don't want to do this. I don't want to go to this meeting."

My precious love, knowing that I needed to kick and scream a bit, simply said, "Why?"

"I don't want to hear what He has to say. He's going to break my heart, and I will never be able to unhear or unsee what He is about to reveal."

I knew that my inaction would be nothing other than disobedience. I would never be able to hide behind the facade of ignorance. My heart would know. The conviction would be too great.

Friends, did He show up that night. We sat down. People spoke. Videos played. I fought some of the biggest tears of my life. But He began to speak, and He rocked my cozy, little world.

Foster care? You have lost your mind. Brad and I have been against this from the beginning. This could NEVER work. We have three young children. Surely, someone else is better suited for this. We just can't.

Sound familiar? What in the world is wrong with me? Will I ever learn?

Look. We have our three babies to protect. Their safety...what about their safety? It's our job to keep them safe.

This is when He straight schooled me.

Sarah. I think there a few things you need to recognize. First, and foremost....they are not YOUR babies. They are mine. They are safely in the palm of My hand. I am their Father. They are my creation, and I desire to prosper them, not to harm them.

But Lord. Foster care is so messy. So many issues and problems. Those kids have some serious problems. We can't let that into our home with our children. 

Why are "your" children of more value? Are they not all mine? Are they not all precious in My sight?  

Their worth does not lay in your hands.

That night, my plan was wadded up and thrown in the trash. Our journey with the CALL had been ignited. Our action would no longer be defined by our inaction.

Father, Your children will be my children. All of them.

Red, yellow, black, or white. 

Messy or clean.

From my womb or another.

Lord, please allow our lives to radiate Your love and mercy in whatever way You choose.

"We know that all things work together for the good of those that love God: those who are

called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Never in a Million, Gazillion Years

God is in the places and moments where you least expect Him.

When He first began "bothering" me with the idea of adoption, I never in a million, gazillion years would've thought we'd actually be standing in this place. Adoption is crazy, but I guess God's a little crazy, too.

When we first accepted God's calling on our lives to pursue adoption, I never in a million, gazillion years thought it would be this hard. Take this much time. Require this much paperwork.

Y'all. This race is long.

When we finally began the homestudy process, I never in a million, gazillion years thought it would be anything but simple.

God has a funny sense of humor like that.

When we prayerfully sought out how He intends to use our family to meet the needs of others and obey His commands to care for the orphans, I never in a million, gazillion years thought that He might actually be seeking to shape and grow me.

Just when we think we've got a grip on this, a game plan, so to speak, He steps in and changes the rules. Or calls a time out.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways" declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:8

I was sure that we had deciphered exactly what God was saying to us. I was sure that the way we were going was His way. Then, He threw a curve ball. Maybe we were hearing what we wanted to hear. Maybe the need we are meant to meet isn't at all where we thought it would be.

Lord, "guide my steps by Your Word." (Psalm 119:133) Adoption is huge. This is so much bigger than we are. We absolutely need Your guidance, as we move forward.

Please be in prayer for us as we complete our final interview for our homestudy tomorrow. Pray for clear direction as we stand ready to joyfully obey and be a part of His plan.

Love Is Waiting

"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people of His own, so that you may proclaim the virtues of the One who called you out of darkness and into His marvelous light." 1 Peter 2:9

You were chosen.

I was chosen.

We were chosen for a life and eternity that are far from what we actually deserve.

We were {all} chosen.

When I come to the table, I bring some pretty hefty baggage with me. Please allow me to get comfortable, because we might be here a minute.

I've got my American Tourister "FEAR" bag.

I've got one Case Logic "SELFISHNESS" bag.

One Swiss Army "DECEPTION" bag.

And, make a little room for my Samsonite "ADDICTION" bag.

I've got one more carry-on. I try not to bring too much attention to this one, mainly because I thought it wasn't as important...as life-altering...as sinful. 

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

God finally rocked my world when he said, "Sarah, get the Caboodle out. It's time we work on that one."

I am most ashamed of this one. I have no excuses worthy of defending this baggage. No justification suitable to explain away my inaction. For too long, I have done nothing. I have lived inside my comfortable box of status quo. For too long, I have checked off boxes to satisfy what I thought was my obedience.

Women's Bible study....check.

Sunday School teacher....check.

Children's ministry volunteer...check.

Daily prayer....check.

Occasional journaling....check.

"You shall give to him [poor] freely..."....we don't have enough money.

"...satisfy the desire of the afflicted..."....that's too messy.

"Go. Sell what you possess, and give to the poor..." ...I need the new iPhone.

"to visit orphans and widows in their affliction."...change the channel. It's not there if I ignore it.

"correct oppression. Bring justice to the fatherless..."...that's someone else's job. They're better equipped.

So, what have I been doing?

Nothing.

Have I been faithfully obedient?

No.

God grabbed Brad and me by the shoulders and simply said. 

"Now. You move now."

So, in February 2014, we moved. We began contacting adoption agencies with a flood of emotion. We didn't have a clue, people. Not...a....clue. We moved anyway. We knew God would explain later. We knew that even though it didn't make sense then, it would one day. For once in my life, I terrifyingly moved forward with no plan and no road map.

In mid-March, we were approved with a local adoption agency in central AR. We were actually doing this. After weeks of prayer, conversations with friends who've adopted, and way more prayer, I felt the need to cast the net one more time.

God decided a detour was in order.

In April, a new agency popped up. We knew that God wanted us to go and meet with this husband and wife team. After many attempts to schedule a meeting and failed childcare arrangements, I was discouraged. I was tired. Emotionally spent. I sensed a forfeiture in my future. It was too much. Too hard.

Y'all. God shows up in those moments in the most beautiful way. I received a card in the mail from a sweet friend offering the strength and encouragement I needed to keep going. Through her, God breathed into my spirit. "This is not going to be easy, Sarah. But, it will be worth it."

In mid-April, we met with an agency that would solidify the "how" to our obedience. Brad and I knew. We knew we were right were God wanted us to be. Friends, it's in those moments, that peace is found. Our worry, our fears, our anxiety....they were gone. We knew that He would be in the details. We just needed to be ready and willing.

Are we ready? Most days. (Just being real, here.)

Are we willing? Every step of the way.

I've always heard that God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. We are a living, breathing, example of that. We are not equipped. We are not ready. We have not planned for this.

We had plans.

We have debt.

We have a car that will be um, cozy.

We don't have another bedroom.

I want to get caught up in these details. I want to give reasons why this is a horrible idea. Why we, are the wrong people. Why someone else is so much better suited for adoption. 

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

He'll show up. He always does. 

He'll provide. He always does.

He'll direct and guide. He promised He would.

That's all we have. His words...His promises.

But, that's all we need.

He is enough.

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." Isaiah 43:2

So, we stand ready to meet a need. To show a birth mom, a baby, a birth family that we all have weight in this world. We are {all} "a chosen race, a royal priesthood". We are humbled to be a part of God's plan to illustrate His love, mercy, and grace to those around us. We are not going to be "selected" or "matched" with a birth mom based on a profile or pictures of our family. We are not advertising or marketing. We strongly believe that somewhere, a birth mom needs us, and we need her. We believe that God will bring us together. We don't know who she is or where she lives. 

Maybe she's your cousin in Florida.

Or your brother's girlfriend in Cabot.

Maybe she's the teenager at the abortion clinic in Little Rock.

Maybe she's our neighbor.

What we do know...

Our homestudy will be completed by the end of June. We will be legally ready to accept a baby anytime after that. If you know of a need or situation, please contact me at dzsarahbradshaw@yahoo.com. 

No one can do everything, but everyone can do something.

How can you help?

There is no way we can do this on our own. No way. We will absolutely need everyone's help along the way. These are ways that you can play a part in God's plan for our lives:

1. Prayer-This is the single most important way that you can journey alongside us. We need every.single.prayer. Add us to your prayer group, your Sunday School class prayer chain, your small group prayer time. Scream it from the mountaintop. God will hear our cries. 
2. Be aware- There is no way that we can be aware of every need out there. If you know of a need, let us know. Mention our names and our heart to be obedient to God's calling through adoption. Our agency will serve as a liaison between us and a birth family, but we desire a very open relationship. We want the opportunity to love a birth mom exactly where she is.
3. Financial Support- We do not have $15,000+ just hanging out in reserve for adoption. This was NOT our plan. We will need help along the way. Once a birth mom has been located, we will need support. We will have an online way to give, and will probably have some fundraisers as well, but we want your giving to be God-led.

Thank you for loving us and supporting us as we answer God's call on our lives. For now...

"I will move ahead, bold and confident.

Taking every step in obedience.

While I'm waiting, I will serve You.

While I'm waiting, I will worship.

While I'm waiting, I will not faint.

I'll be running the race even while I wait."

(John Waller)

We Fall Down

We fall down,

we lay our crowns

at the feet of Jesus.

The greatness of 

Your mercy and love

at the feet of Jesus.

And we cry "holy, holy, holy"

And we cry "holy, holy, holy"

And we cry "holy, holy, holy"

is the Lamb.

(Chris Tomlin and Kyle David Matthews)

I am one of  the most "type-A, OCD, controlling, over-planning, loud, and dramatic" people you will ever meet. Just ask my completely quiet and introverted husband. 

I like a little flair for the dramatic. 

Less is never more.

My planner is my life. 

Everything can and will fit into an excel spreadsheet.

Apart from these very key characteristics that sum up my personality, one other thing I am...

private.

Much to my chagrin, God has been very clear from the starting line that this journey must be anything BUT private. 

I do not want to struggle.

I do not want to fail.

I do not want to disappoint.

And when I do (because I will), I do not want others to see.

Allowing you to see and feel the raw emotion, the mountaintops and the valleys, gives you front row seats to God's amazing grace and love. I never, in a million years, thought my words would amount to much. I was okay with that. What a blessing the phone conversations, text messages, and Facebook messages have been.

We need each other. I pray that our story will encourage you. I pray that it will draw you and me closer together. Most importantly, I pray that it will draw you closer to Him, the One who will spend your entire life chasing after you with reckless abandon.

And, I pray that when we fall down (because we will), that you will help us dust off our knees and keep going. 

The race set before us has begun. Please be praying for us in the days to come. We are standing at the edge, ready to jump. It will be the prayers of those around us that will carry us safely to the hands of our Father.

Not THAT, God. Anything else.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 37:4

Crunchy. Granola-ish. Hippie. 

At some point in the past year and a half, I have been called each of these names. Several times. Funny thing is, I'm not. I don't make my own laundry detergent, I don't even really like granola, and tie-dye maxi skirts aren't my thing.

I can't help but grin a little inside when called such names. You see, those names signify nothing green (go recycling! Woo!) or nothing related to The Doors or Jimi Hendrix. What it does relate to, is something primal. Something that embodies much of who I am and who I long to be...a mother.

After two completely medicated childbirths, I opted for an unmedicated, natural birth with my last born. {insert "hippie" comment} That was it. I was sold. Something about those crazy intense moments and weirdo moaning led me to become what a friend called, a "birth junkie". There. I said it. 

A desire was born. 

I was called to be a mother. The chaos, the noise, the fighting, the laundry, the 47 activities, the 13,398 "Mooooooooooooommmmm!"s, was what God called me to. He sculpted me and designed me for these exact years in my life.

Now, before I continue, let's bring this Hallmark moment back on down to planet Earth. 

I get mad.

I get frustrated.

I miss my career.

I long for adult time.

I crave five minutes of peace and quiet.

I'm human.

But, the desire is there. He always gives me rest. He always sustains me, and provides just what I need (like an insanely awesome husband and partner). So, sometimes, I do go and sit on my bed with the door shut. Sometimes, I do shop at Kroger for 7 hours. But, I am always tripping over my own feet to jump back in the ring. It's just who I am.

So, it was no surprise that after Little Bit was born, I knew that a Smaller Bit would soon follow. Until recently. Allow me to share with you the conversation that took place a month ago between God and me.

Me: God, I have been such a mess lately. I know that You're trying to tell me something, but I just don't understand what. Something isn't right. My heart is so incredibly convicted.

Big Guy: Sarah, I'm calling you and Brad to more. I need you to make a sacrifice for Me. I need you to shed your desires in order to fulfill mine.

Me: (seeing where this was going...) God, please, not that. Anything else, please. You said if I delight myself in You, that You would give me the desires of my heart. Lord, I'm delightin' here. There's a whooole lot of delight going on right here.

Big Guy: Do you trust Me? You say you do, but do you really? Give up your desire to have a baby. For Me.

{Friends, that should have been enough.}

Can I just tell you the kind of "ugly crying" that went on at this point? I'm talking pure hysterics. 

Now, don't for one moment think you can cop out of this conversation. Maybe having a baby isn't *your* desire....but you have one. Maybe it's a career? A pay raise? An awesome vacation? Strip away the details, and you could very well be standing right where I was standing.

God and I wrestled. For a while. A long while. Until February 25th when He breathed an amazing peace into my body.

February 25, 2014 "Lord, I want to make sense of all this. I feel so vulnerable, but it's there, that I feel You the most. You are perfect. You don't go back on Your word. If I "delight myself in You, You will give me the desires of my heart." I stand ready to fully place my trust in that. I anxiously await the desires You have for me and my family---desires my heart hasn't even dreamt of yet."

Now, we wait on You, Father. 

Let it Go

"we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

joseph campbell

Prepare My Heart

"Prepare in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

I have a confession. And please, for the love of all things good, continue to be my friend afterwards.

I love making grocery lists and grocery shopping. Don't you dare stop reading. 

And because I love you, I'm going to give you further ammunition to publicly ridicule me.

I get out my nice thick notepad, and rainbow Sharpie markers (ultra fine tip, please), and I'm in my OCD happy place. Produce column first, canned food items second, well, you get the idea. And yes, I go down every.single.aisle. It's at least a 1.5 hour trip....alone. This may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I'm with lots of little people all day. I try my best to be social, but honestly, let's not talk. I want to glide up and down the Kroger aisles with my janky cart that's got a funky wheel, blissfully married to my rainbow-hued list. 

Let's for a moment, stop and analyze what my plastic sacks would reveal if I stepped foot into Kroger without my list.

Avocados

New ultra fine tip Sharpies

A Dove dark chocolate bar

Canned baby corn

For real. Bon appetit, Brad.

God has been preparing me and our family for the journey that lay ahead. He's been breaking our hearts for a need that breaks His. What a joy it is to be a part of His plan. When He began calling us out, I was ready. My foot had the gas pedal to the floor, but He knew some work needed to be done before He could let me drive away.

I've never studied the Bible in a deep way. Just being real, folks. I've always been the "what does the Bible say about 'patience' kind?" These past few weeks, I've opened His word with no preconceived agenda. No plan. God, show me what you want me to see. Open the eyes of my heart. I want to see You. Friends, He will do just that.

I began in Jonah, because I'm just as disobedient as that dude. I cried out to Him, just like Jonah. I get it, God. I'm sorry. I didn't listen, but I'm listening now. I'm ready now.

Then He took me over to Ruth (super uplifting. not really.). What in the world would You need to teach me in Ruth? I really don't need my husband or father-in-law to die. Go. Don't look back. Abandon the familiar...the expected.

That heaviness led to Matthew 7, where things got even heavier. Sarah, this way is going to be narrow. The journey will not be easy. There will be fears, frustrations, tears, and pain. Your heart will break. You will suffer....for Me.

Y'all. By this point, I had no clue what He was going to show me next. But, He knew my weakness. He knew that this would/will be my test of faithfulness.

Hebrews 12 called me out. You must endure. This will require you to be faithful, steadfast, committed. Don't let this fire burn out. I'm calling you to more, and this race is not a sprint.

Sweet friends, we feel your prayer. God is revealing Himself in ways that we never imagined. I just can't wait to share all the God-sized details with you. We have been training and readying ourselves for the race that lay ahead, but race day is upon us. We covet your prayers and ask that you specifically pray for the following:

*for continued clarity and direction

*for an unwavering faith

*that doors will be opened if we are within God's desire for our family

Thank you for living life with us. The time has come to get out of the boat.

The End or the Means?

Some of you might be sitting on the edge of your seat, thinking "get on with it. Drop your bomb, Sarah. What exactly is God saying?"

That's just it. I don't know. There is beauty in this mess. I'm determined to tell my Type-A, OCD self to "sit down and shut up". There is a faith that God is trying to teach me in this journey. Maybe Steven Tyler was right. "Life's a journey, not a destination." 

"Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

I know nothing about running. I lie to myself and pretend that I can run, but I can't. It's through sheer prayer that I make it one mile. But, I have friends that run which makes me an expert on the subject. I have Redpeople and Ironpeople in my midst, and that friends, makes me Dr. Bradshaw, PhD in Cardiovascular Fitness.

Everyone begins a race with excitement, a little apprehension, and a whole lot of energy. Somewhere along the way, for me, it's around mile 0.16, the energy begins to fade. You drink some weird crap called "goo" or eat some kind of "magic beans", which refuels you to continue on. Goo? What on earth?

Friends, I started my race several months ago. Why hadn't I crossed that blasted finish line? Why was I slowing to a crawl while exhaustion set in? 

August 25, 2013: "I am really struggling to find the time to journal lately. It seems my task list grows longer, and the days shorter."

I didn't refuel. I needed some "goo" or "magic beans", STAT.

I knew exactly what I needed, but I didn't stop. I didn't want to take the time to stop. I had arrived to that point in the race where giving up seemed so much easier. I knew. I knew. But, I chose to not stop. Until now. 

"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." James 4:8

I begin digging into my Bible again, fearlessly seeking out what He had for me. I begin crying out in prayer, many times needing the Holy Spirit to speak for me through the tears. "All to Jesus, I surrender, humbly at His feet I bow."

He was waiting for me. He restored my energy and direction. He never criticized. He never scolded. He simply grabbed my hand, and said "Let's go together." So, here I am...learning, growing, and stepping out. The direction is clear, but the route is fuzzy. For once, I'm okay with that. 

You take the lead, Father. I'm trailing right behind You.

Lifting My Eyes

Nothing about typing my innermost feelings on the internet seems normal. Or rational. But then again, when have I ever been rational, or normal, for that matter?

So, shut the car door and buckle your seatbelt, because this is going to be one heck of a roadtrip. One heck of an irrational and abnormal roadtrip.

You see, God is funny. An "I'm going to keep ringing your doorbell, because I know you're home" kind of funny. Praise Him for that. Praise Him for chasing after me like the crazy person at the e-cigarette kiosk at the mall. 

No, I don't smoke. No, I'm not interested. Really, I'm good. 

Listen, I'm not buying a fake cigarette for a problem I don't have. 

But, if you're up for a good ole' fashioned barter, I've got some kids that we could discuss. I could totally learn to develop a cigarette problem. I kid. Kind of.

Don't we all avoid those people like the plague? I look every direction to avoid eye contact. I walk through the jewelry store to avoid conversation. I work to avoid them entirely. And that my friends, and by friends, I mean 2 family members reading this, is how I've been treating God. Like the e-cigarette man at the mall. Don't you judge me.

I think God was finally over it....His patience with me, running on fumes. I had missed so many opportunities that He resorted to Defcon 2. 

No more games, Sarah. No more excuses. No more time. No more waiting on someone else. Pick up your cross and follow Me. The time is now.

Please let me be completely honest here. I mean, a complete raw honesty. My response...

Really? I stood up to an entire congregation and revealed my deepest secrets, struggles, and pains.

I started a ministry to serve families in our church.

We lead a newly formed Sunday School class. 

I act like a crazy person in front of children for VBS.

Can there even be a more selfish person on this planet? Good night.

Then, He regulated. And I'm talking reg.u.lated. Mount up.

Sarah, what have you sacrificed for Me? What have you given up? Where am I in all of this? Lift your eyes. It's time to step out onto the waters.

So, friends, that's exactly what we're going to do. Pray for us. God is in the process of rocking our world. Pray carefully, though. You've been warned. He just might cause your world to shimmy, too.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." Isaiah 43:2