I've got so many things to do right now, but my head is swimming. Swimming with thoughts that kept me up this morning during a very hungry 5:30am wake up call.
Since my last post, our home was approved as a foster/adopt family within DHS. Crazy. One week later, my phone rang with tragic news. A precious 2 month old needed a home. My heart was overwhelmed.
Were we ready?
Was this God's will?
Do we need to wait a bit longer?
That sweet little soul was placed into my arms, and my life was instantly changed.
In an instant, he radically transformed
...our routine.
...our home.
...our family.
...our hearts.
Last night, as I was getting him ready for bed, my thoughts began to wander. They took me back to the questions I frantically asked myself the night he entered our world, and my heart was convicted.
Were we ready?
No, we weren't. Honestly, I'm not sure we'll ever be ready. But, God was.
For so many years, our family had been living the American dream.
B had a great job.
I was blessed to stay home and teach our children.
We drove decent vehicles.
We lived in a large home.
We took family vacations.
We wore nice clothes.
Our lives were comfortable. Dare I say, uncomplicated.
Then, God began to bring us to the end of ourselves. He wanted us to see the selfishness in our lifestyle, and ultimately, the selfishness in our hearts. When I think back to these years, one thing is missing....
...Jesus.
Sure, we went to church. Sure, we were "saved". Sure, we occasionally donated to charity. Heck, we even tithed regularly at church. But, something was missing, and we didn't have a clue.
Friends, our world changed when we realized where we'd gone wrong.
Jesus isn't concerned with our comfort.
Jesus was never comfortable.
Jesus isn't "in" the comfortable.
You know why?
Because in the "comfortable", you don't need Jesus.
Two weeks ago, a 10 pound piece of His heart was placed into my hands. He chose me and my family to love him. The weight of that will forever grip me. In those moments, I needed Jesus. I needed him. My life had become anything but comfortable. My love for this baby was anything but comfortable.
As I closed the door, and the caseworker's car disappeared into the night, I whispered...
"Lord, draw near. I need you here. I need you to be in every moment. I need you to help me pick the pieces up and put them back together for him. I need you to put the pieces of my heart back together when he leaves my arms. There is no way we can do this without you."
I've never felt the presence of my heavenly Father quite like I have in the past two weeks.
This is hard.
This is complicated.
This is messy.
This is uncomfortable.
But, my heart knows Jesus in ways I never imagined. Ways I didn't know were possible.
So, world, you can keep your comforts. You can keep your "status quo". I'm never going back.
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