In order to move forward, I must first journey back in time. If we were in person, this would be the moment where I would begin singing, "Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start..." {insert student eye rolling} I still wonder almost daily why most children look absolutely lost when I mention The Sound of Music. I can sing "Edelweiss" and instantly be taken back to rocking my babies in their quiet nurseries. Julie Andrews is a gift.
In the fall of 2023, I began substitute teaching as a way to fill my days when all of my children decided to abandon me for public school. With absolute certainty, I knew this would be a temporary distraction and nothing more. Me? Teaching again? I would have laughed at the mere suggestion. Well, as God often does, He rolled up His sleeves and said "Is that so, Sarah?" In His sovereignty and unwavering love for me, He saw seasons that I couldn't, and He knew what I didn't.
That "temporary distraction" turned into two consecutive maternity leaves on the same team and in the same school. I was smitten. That team would carry me through an extremely difficult season that year. The Lord knew exactly what I needed before I did. This would serve as the foundation for a full time teaching position, on the same team, in the same grade, and in the same school. I felt so incredibly unworthy of the happiness and contentment that season provided me. My heart was filled to overflowing.
Sometime shortly after the beginning of 2026, my soul began to stir. Feelings of unrest and exclusion began to threaten the joy that I had been clinging to. Dreams woke me in the middle of the night, thoughts raced through my mind, and panic began to set in. I knew exactly what was happening.
March 30, 2026- "Wrestling with the big emotions I've had over the last month have felt familiar. Too familiar. It's in these seasons of uncertainty, confusion, weariness, and feelings of simply being "lost" that You begin to position me for change. It's as if You are tilling the soil of my heart, preparing to sow a new seed."
I knew that the Lord was readying me for change. And that would come with a price. I knew that He would allow aspects of my life to crumble to remind me Who was in control. I knew that He would allow my emotions to become wrecked to remind me that He has and will always carry me. I knew that He would allow confusion to hijack my life to remind me that "The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." (Proverbs 16:9) I knew that obedience was going to be hard, and that hard is often synonymous with right. He allows this not to harm me, but to give me a future and a hope. He loves me too much to leave me where I am. I get overwhelmed at the thought of that sort of extravagant love.
"Crumble" might not be the most appropriate verb to have used in the explanation above. March didn't crumble, it imploded. Maximum impact. It felt as if the enemy was attacking from every side. As quickly as I could assess one bleed, another piece of shrapnel would find its way into my heart. I felt like I was hemorraging faster than I could repair. All consuming sadness burrowed deep into my heart, and left me feeling more isolated and alone than ever, and that's how depression works. It convinces you that no one notices and no one cares. After all, no one is holding a bandage and fighting against the false notion that time and space is the cure. I found myself sitting in this, trying to hold what I was feeling and the truths that I know to be true in one hand. When I became overwhelmed, I prayed. When I needed to quiet the emotions, I turned up the worship. Sometimes, it was a beautiful melody. Sometimes, it was grieving sobs. He knew my heart. He knew the words that I couldn't manage to form. He knew, and He sat right in it with me.
In the middle of this emotional, professional, and personal hurricane, I knew that every moment was necessary. God wastes nothing, and I knew that eventually I would emerge broken and tattered, but held, so my prayer remained constant.
March 29, 2026- "I have spent much of the month asking God to not let me miss whatever He's trying to teach me."
A post it would have been easier, but would I have noticed or taken action? A friend once quoted Spurgeon, and that quote has sewn the broken pieces of my heart together more times than I can count. "I have learned to kiss the waves that throw me up against the Rock of Ages." It's not lost on me that a simple post it would have left me to my own wisdom and devices, which naturally is broken and flawed and completely void of faith. God loves me too much for that.
In the middle of the sadness, isolation, and confusion, He allows pieces of my heart and soul to be pruned. It sheds light on my sin and offers opportunity to repent. It opens my eyes to the relationships, conversations, and words that are anything but honoring to the Lord. Conviction is a gift. I pray the Holy Spirit never stops rocking my world when my life fails to point others to Him through my words, actions, and deeds.
So, I sit and wait. Like Gideon, I tell the Lord to make things clear. Once is good, but multiple times is better. I don't need all seven MapQuest pages...just the next right thing. Be careful with those words, though. He just might do exactly that as you're leaned up against a shelf of books in the school library.
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
James 1:2-4
