Not THAT, God. Anything else.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 37:4

Crunchy. Granola-ish. Hippie. 

At some point in the past year and a half, I have been called each of these names. Several times. Funny thing is, I'm not. I don't make my own laundry detergent, I don't even really like granola, and tie-dye maxi skirts aren't my thing.

I can't help but grin a little inside when called such names. You see, those names signify nothing green (go recycling! Woo!) or nothing related to The Doors or Jimi Hendrix. What it does relate to, is something primal. Something that embodies much of who I am and who I long to be...a mother.

After two completely medicated childbirths, I opted for an unmedicated, natural birth with my last born. {insert "hippie" comment} That was it. I was sold. Something about those crazy intense moments and weirdo moaning led me to become what a friend called, a "birth junkie". There. I said it. 

A desire was born. 

I was called to be a mother. The chaos, the noise, the fighting, the laundry, the 47 activities, the 13,398 "Mooooooooooooommmmm!"s, was what God called me to. He sculpted me and designed me for these exact years in my life.

Now, before I continue, let's bring this Hallmark moment back on down to planet Earth. 

I get mad.

I get frustrated.

I miss my career.

I long for adult time.

I crave five minutes of peace and quiet.

I'm human.

But, the desire is there. He always gives me rest. He always sustains me, and provides just what I need (like an insanely awesome husband and partner). So, sometimes, I do go and sit on my bed with the door shut. Sometimes, I do shop at Kroger for 7 hours. But, I am always tripping over my own feet to jump back in the ring. It's just who I am.

So, it was no surprise that after Little Bit was born, I knew that a Smaller Bit would soon follow. Until recently. Allow me to share with you the conversation that took place a month ago between God and me.

Me: God, I have been such a mess lately. I know that You're trying to tell me something, but I just don't understand what. Something isn't right. My heart is so incredibly convicted.

Big Guy: Sarah, I'm calling you and Brad to more. I need you to make a sacrifice for Me. I need you to shed your desires in order to fulfill mine.

Me: (seeing where this was going...) God, please, not that. Anything else, please. You said if I delight myself in You, that You would give me the desires of my heart. Lord, I'm delightin' here. There's a whooole lot of delight going on right here.

Big Guy: Do you trust Me? You say you do, but do you really? Give up your desire to have a baby. For Me.

{Friends, that should have been enough.}

Can I just tell you the kind of "ugly crying" that went on at this point? I'm talking pure hysterics. 

Now, don't for one moment think you can cop out of this conversation. Maybe having a baby isn't *your* desire....but you have one. Maybe it's a career? A pay raise? An awesome vacation? Strip away the details, and you could very well be standing right where I was standing.

God and I wrestled. For a while. A long while. Until February 25th when He breathed an amazing peace into my body.

February 25, 2014 "Lord, I want to make sense of all this. I feel so vulnerable, but it's there, that I feel You the most. You are perfect. You don't go back on Your word. If I "delight myself in You, You will give me the desires of my heart." I stand ready to fully place my trust in that. I anxiously await the desires You have for me and my family---desires my heart hasn't even dreamt of yet."

Now, we wait on You, Father.