"Silence in the face of evil is itself evil.
God will not hold us guiltless.
Not to speak is to speak.
Not to act is to act."
-Bonhoeffer
Our desire was obedience.
Our hearts wanted to serve. To meet a need.
Our human nature quickly put perimeters on that obedience.
We will follow you, Lord. We will abandon our plan, our desires.
But.
You need to make it look like this.
We'll take a baby in a private adoption. Because a baby will fit nicely into our little family. It's uncomplicated and unmessy. And it will in no way require a testing of our faith. It will in no way require much sacrifice from us. And it will not force us to rely solely on your strength and provision.
We were well on our way with an almost completed private homestudy, ready for a private domestic adoption. Pursuing what we thought was God's plan for our lives. What we didn't know...there was much work left to do in us.
In April, I registered us to sit through an informational meeting with The CALL of Arkansas. Let me be honest here....I did NOT want to go. My mind had already rationalized a private, domestic adoption. I had already begun planning what this would look like in our lives. I had a plan, and I didn't need God's editing skills.
So, we didn't go.
So, He turned up the volume. He was so persistent that I registered us a second time for the May meeting. Y'all, I sound ridiculous. Hang with me.
My parents came to watch the littles, and Brad and I set out for Geyer Springs Baptist Church. Of course, we had a good 30 minutes in the car for me to throw another little temper-tantrum. I spent the first 10 minutes staring out the passenger window. Mad.
I finally broke the silence.
"I don't want to do this. I don't want to go to this meeting."
My precious love, knowing that I needed to kick and scream a bit, simply said, "Why?"
"I don't want to hear what He has to say. He's going to break my heart, and I will never be able to unhear or unsee what He is about to reveal."
I knew that my inaction would be nothing other than disobedience. I would never be able to hide behind the facade of ignorance. My heart would know. The conviction would be too great.
Friends, did He show up that night. We sat down. People spoke. Videos played. I fought some of the biggest tears of my life. But He began to speak, and He rocked my cozy, little world.
Foster care? You have lost your mind. Brad and I have been against this from the beginning. This could NEVER work. We have three young children. Surely, someone else is better suited for this. We just can't.
Sound familiar? What in the world is wrong with me? Will I ever learn?
Look. We have our three babies to protect. Their safety...what about their safety? It's our job to keep them safe.
This is when He straight schooled me.
Sarah. I think there a few things you need to recognize. First, and foremost....they are not YOUR babies. They are mine. They are safely in the palm of My hand. I am their Father. They are my creation, and I desire to prosper them, not to harm them.
But Lord. Foster care is so messy. So many issues and problems. Those kids have some serious problems. We can't let that into our home with our children.
Why are "your" children of more value? Are they not all mine? Are they not all precious in My sight?
Their worth does not lay in your hands.
That night, my plan was wadded up and thrown in the trash. Our journey with the CALL had been ignited. Our action would no longer be defined by our inaction.
Father, Your children will be my children. All of them.
Red, yellow, black, or white.
Messy or clean.
From my womb or another.
Lord, please allow our lives to radiate Your love and mercy in whatever way You choose.
"We know that all things work together for the good of those that love God: those who are
called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
