Not THAT, God. Anything else.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 37:4

Crunchy. Granola-ish. Hippie. 

At some point in the past year and a half, I have been called each of these names. Several times. Funny thing is, I'm not. I don't make my own laundry detergent, I don't even really like granola, and tie-dye maxi skirts aren't my thing.

I can't help but grin a little inside when called such names. You see, those names signify nothing green (go recycling! Woo!) or nothing related to The Doors or Jimi Hendrix. What it does relate to, is something primal. Something that embodies much of who I am and who I long to be...a mother.

After two completely medicated childbirths, I opted for an unmedicated, natural birth with my last born. {insert "hippie" comment} That was it. I was sold. Something about those crazy intense moments and weirdo moaning led me to become what a friend called, a "birth junkie". There. I said it. 

A desire was born. 

I was called to be a mother. The chaos, the noise, the fighting, the laundry, the 47 activities, the 13,398 "Mooooooooooooommmmm!"s, was what God called me to. He sculpted me and designed me for these exact years in my life.

Now, before I continue, let's bring this Hallmark moment back on down to planet Earth. 

I get mad.

I get frustrated.

I miss my career.

I long for adult time.

I crave five minutes of peace and quiet.

I'm human.

But, the desire is there. He always gives me rest. He always sustains me, and provides just what I need (like an insanely awesome husband and partner). So, sometimes, I do go and sit on my bed with the door shut. Sometimes, I do shop at Kroger for 7 hours. But, I am always tripping over my own feet to jump back in the ring. It's just who I am.

So, it was no surprise that after Little Bit was born, I knew that a Smaller Bit would soon follow. Until recently. Allow me to share with you the conversation that took place a month ago between God and me.

Me: God, I have been such a mess lately. I know that You're trying to tell me something, but I just don't understand what. Something isn't right. My heart is so incredibly convicted.

Big Guy: Sarah, I'm calling you and Brad to more. I need you to make a sacrifice for Me. I need you to shed your desires in order to fulfill mine.

Me: (seeing where this was going...) God, please, not that. Anything else, please. You said if I delight myself in You, that You would give me the desires of my heart. Lord, I'm delightin' here. There's a whooole lot of delight going on right here.

Big Guy: Do you trust Me? You say you do, but do you really? Give up your desire to have a baby. For Me.

{Friends, that should have been enough.}

Can I just tell you the kind of "ugly crying" that went on at this point? I'm talking pure hysterics. 

Now, don't for one moment think you can cop out of this conversation. Maybe having a baby isn't *your* desire....but you have one. Maybe it's a career? A pay raise? An awesome vacation? Strip away the details, and you could very well be standing right where I was standing.

God and I wrestled. For a while. A long while. Until February 25th when He breathed an amazing peace into my body.

February 25, 2014 "Lord, I want to make sense of all this. I feel so vulnerable, but it's there, that I feel You the most. You are perfect. You don't go back on Your word. If I "delight myself in You, You will give me the desires of my heart." I stand ready to fully place my trust in that. I anxiously await the desires You have for me and my family---desires my heart hasn't even dreamt of yet."

Now, we wait on You, Father. 

Let it Go

"we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

joseph campbell

Prepare My Heart

"Prepare in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

I have a confession. And please, for the love of all things good, continue to be my friend afterwards.

I love making grocery lists and grocery shopping. Don't you dare stop reading. 

And because I love you, I'm going to give you further ammunition to publicly ridicule me.

I get out my nice thick notepad, and rainbow Sharpie markers (ultra fine tip, please), and I'm in my OCD happy place. Produce column first, canned food items second, well, you get the idea. And yes, I go down every.single.aisle. It's at least a 1.5 hour trip....alone. This may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I'm with lots of little people all day. I try my best to be social, but honestly, let's not talk. I want to glide up and down the Kroger aisles with my janky cart that's got a funky wheel, blissfully married to my rainbow-hued list. 

Let's for a moment, stop and analyze what my plastic sacks would reveal if I stepped foot into Kroger without my list.

Avocados

New ultra fine tip Sharpies

A Dove dark chocolate bar

Canned baby corn

For real. Bon appetit, Brad.

God has been preparing me and our family for the journey that lay ahead. He's been breaking our hearts for a need that breaks His. What a joy it is to be a part of His plan. When He began calling us out, I was ready. My foot had the gas pedal to the floor, but He knew some work needed to be done before He could let me drive away.

I've never studied the Bible in a deep way. Just being real, folks. I've always been the "what does the Bible say about 'patience' kind?" These past few weeks, I've opened His word with no preconceived agenda. No plan. God, show me what you want me to see. Open the eyes of my heart. I want to see You. Friends, He will do just that.

I began in Jonah, because I'm just as disobedient as that dude. I cried out to Him, just like Jonah. I get it, God. I'm sorry. I didn't listen, but I'm listening now. I'm ready now.

Then He took me over to Ruth (super uplifting. not really.). What in the world would You need to teach me in Ruth? I really don't need my husband or father-in-law to die. Go. Don't look back. Abandon the familiar...the expected.

That heaviness led to Matthew 7, where things got even heavier. Sarah, this way is going to be narrow. The journey will not be easy. There will be fears, frustrations, tears, and pain. Your heart will break. You will suffer....for Me.

Y'all. By this point, I had no clue what He was going to show me next. But, He knew my weakness. He knew that this would/will be my test of faithfulness.

Hebrews 12 called me out. You must endure. This will require you to be faithful, steadfast, committed. Don't let this fire burn out. I'm calling you to more, and this race is not a sprint.

Sweet friends, we feel your prayer. God is revealing Himself in ways that we never imagined. I just can't wait to share all the God-sized details with you. We have been training and readying ourselves for the race that lay ahead, but race day is upon us. We covet your prayers and ask that you specifically pray for the following:

*for continued clarity and direction

*for an unwavering faith

*that doors will be opened if we are within God's desire for our family

Thank you for living life with us. The time has come to get out of the boat.

The End or the Means?

Some of you might be sitting on the edge of your seat, thinking "get on with it. Drop your bomb, Sarah. What exactly is God saying?"

That's just it. I don't know. There is beauty in this mess. I'm determined to tell my Type-A, OCD self to "sit down and shut up". There is a faith that God is trying to teach me in this journey. Maybe Steven Tyler was right. "Life's a journey, not a destination." 

"Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

I know nothing about running. I lie to myself and pretend that I can run, but I can't. It's through sheer prayer that I make it one mile. But, I have friends that run which makes me an expert on the subject. I have Redpeople and Ironpeople in my midst, and that friends, makes me Dr. Bradshaw, PhD in Cardiovascular Fitness.

Everyone begins a race with excitement, a little apprehension, and a whole lot of energy. Somewhere along the way, for me, it's around mile 0.16, the energy begins to fade. You drink some weird crap called "goo" or eat some kind of "magic beans", which refuels you to continue on. Goo? What on earth?

Friends, I started my race several months ago. Why hadn't I crossed that blasted finish line? Why was I slowing to a crawl while exhaustion set in? 

August 25, 2013: "I am really struggling to find the time to journal lately. It seems my task list grows longer, and the days shorter."

I didn't refuel. I needed some "goo" or "magic beans", STAT.

I knew exactly what I needed, but I didn't stop. I didn't want to take the time to stop. I had arrived to that point in the race where giving up seemed so much easier. I knew. I knew. But, I chose to not stop. Until now. 

"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." James 4:8

I begin digging into my Bible again, fearlessly seeking out what He had for me. I begin crying out in prayer, many times needing the Holy Spirit to speak for me through the tears. "All to Jesus, I surrender, humbly at His feet I bow."

He was waiting for me. He restored my energy and direction. He never criticized. He never scolded. He simply grabbed my hand, and said "Let's go together." So, here I am...learning, growing, and stepping out. The direction is clear, but the route is fuzzy. For once, I'm okay with that. 

You take the lead, Father. I'm trailing right behind You.

Lifting My Eyes

Nothing about typing my innermost feelings on the internet seems normal. Or rational. But then again, when have I ever been rational, or normal, for that matter?

So, shut the car door and buckle your seatbelt, because this is going to be one heck of a roadtrip. One heck of an irrational and abnormal roadtrip.

You see, God is funny. An "I'm going to keep ringing your doorbell, because I know you're home" kind of funny. Praise Him for that. Praise Him for chasing after me like the crazy person at the e-cigarette kiosk at the mall. 

No, I don't smoke. No, I'm not interested. Really, I'm good. 

Listen, I'm not buying a fake cigarette for a problem I don't have. 

But, if you're up for a good ole' fashioned barter, I've got some kids that we could discuss. I could totally learn to develop a cigarette problem. I kid. Kind of.

Don't we all avoid those people like the plague? I look every direction to avoid eye contact. I walk through the jewelry store to avoid conversation. I work to avoid them entirely. And that my friends, and by friends, I mean 2 family members reading this, is how I've been treating God. Like the e-cigarette man at the mall. Don't you judge me.

I think God was finally over it....His patience with me, running on fumes. I had missed so many opportunities that He resorted to Defcon 2. 

No more games, Sarah. No more excuses. No more time. No more waiting on someone else. Pick up your cross and follow Me. The time is now.

Please let me be completely honest here. I mean, a complete raw honesty. My response...

Really? I stood up to an entire congregation and revealed my deepest secrets, struggles, and pains.

I started a ministry to serve families in our church.

We lead a newly formed Sunday School class. 

I act like a crazy person in front of children for VBS.

Can there even be a more selfish person on this planet? Good night.

Then, He regulated. And I'm talking reg.u.lated. Mount up.

Sarah, what have you sacrificed for Me? What have you given up? Where am I in all of this? Lift your eyes. It's time to step out onto the waters.

So, friends, that's exactly what we're going to do. Pray for us. God is in the process of rocking our world. Pray carefully, though. You've been warned. He just might cause your world to shimmy, too.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." Isaiah 43:2